Today has been a day of healing, revelation, blessing, pain and anguish. I am a bible college student and today I felt like my brain was about to blow up. All of a sudden I felt anxiety and an incredible deep inner groaning within me. Today was not the first day I felt this. Over the last few weeks as I have been seeking the Lord, this has been happening almost daily. Today it culminated with the realization that many things I thought I had known, I was no longer sure about. The Lord is revealing many deep inner truths to me about His word, but through the process the intellect feels as if it has been raped by a thousand foreign comprehensions.
Am I relaying my feelings here?
It is so hard to describe. The last few weeks my prayers have been, "Lord please help me to become less like me and more like you." I want to change and do great things in your name. Equip, refine and use me Lord. I have learned that in order to grow in the Lord we have to allow the Lord to take us through the refining fire. It hurts. I am thankful.
Any growth process takes stages and times can vary. The process is stretching, mending, molding, feeding and ultimately different than its inital stage. Like a seed to a flower, or a child into an adult, there are stages, transformations and incredible growth.
I just thought of this verse from Romans:
Rom 5:1 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,
Rom 5:2 through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.
Rom 5:3 And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;
Rom 5:4 and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;
Rom 5:5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
What a powerful portion of scripture. It fits in with what I am feeling and knowing that I have hope, joy and am working on my character in Christ Jesus.
The Lord called me to go to Bible College. I had many friends and siblings in Christ tell me that I did not need this education. "Karen, you are called by the Lord, you are producing fruit, just Go and get involved in full time ministry!" Well, I did Go! I just went in a different direction...the only one...led by the Lord to the Bible college I felt Him lead me to. When the Lord said it was time, I moved across the counrty to come here to Alberta. I knew I needed a solid biblical foundation in order to minister the word of God the way my Father wanted me to do it in His name. So...here I am.
I am so thankful I am pursuing an education. My foundation is solid in Jesus Christ, but needs the strength of the word of God, the mortar of the Holy Spirit, and the hands of my Father to keep it from crumbling.
Another portion of scripture that has been ringing through the recesses of my mind the last few weeks is from James:
Jam 4:6 But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, "GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE."
Jam 4:7 Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
Jam 4:8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
Jam 4:9 Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom.
Jam 4:10 Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.
The last few weeks as the Lord has been working through me I have been groaning deep cries and sighs as I have been seeking deep intimacy with Him. I know it is the Holy Spirit working through me and not some crazy attack of depression. As I go through this fire, I will often wake up the next morning and hear the Lord's voice ever so clearly, whispering words of love, wisdom, inspiration and revelation.
To those reading this blog I encourage you to humble yourselves before the Lord. Mourn, weep, cry, groan and seek him with all of your heart. When you go through a trial, seek Him first. Don't assume that all the hard stuff you go through in this Christian life is an attack from the devil. The devil is not behind every door knob lurking to give you a hard time. Often, it is our Lord trying to get your attention because he loves you. He desires you to experience the richness, joy and maturity that results from resting in His love.
When the hard times come, say " Lord, here I am, your child. You have my attention Father. I love you and need you to help me through this time. I want to change. I want to become more and more like you Lord."
He will be there to wipe your tears, to wrap his loving arms around you and to give you the strength, guidance and direction you need. Do not be afraid of the refining process. Perfect love from the Father drives out all fear.
Can you hear Him?
He is calling you, to come and be with Him.
