In The Presence of the Almighty

I started this journal to express the many ways my life has been touched since I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord. I hope to share joys, struggles, testimonies and anything I might receive from the Lord. My prayer is that anyone who reads my entries may receive in a way that is necessary for where they are at in life. May the power of the Holy Spirit fill you as you come along my journey.

Location: Ontario, Canada

I am a full time wife and stay at home Mom. I am married to a man who places the Lord first above all else. I am embracing this season in my life to be a Mom and look forward to having more children. My husband and I will raise them in the ways of the Lord.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Part 4 -Psalm 24 Days!!!

On Sunday June 20th, I went to Monday Night Evangelism. It was another awesome night in the Lord! There are several centres our group goes to. I stayed outside the Salvation Army as I had the week before. The lady we prayed for the week before came to express her good news. We prayed for her healing and believed in faith that her cancer was healed. She went to the Doctor and all the tests revealed that her cancer is completely gone! Praise the Lord!!! She had medical evidence...proof that the Lord healed her completely of the cancer. We had her give a short testimony.

One of the Pastors then preached a powerful message of salvation. His daughter then went up and gave a mime show, totally filled with the Holy Spirit. It was soooo beautiful and apparent that it touched the faces of those present. Afterward, we asked anyone to come forward for prayer. A couple of ladies came forward. One was a Christian, just baptized the day before. Myself and a brother in the Lord prayed for a woman for her to be healed of a terminal illness. While we were praying for the powerof the Holy Spirit to heal her, our Brother led her to the Lord. The three of us were enveloped in one another's arms. She was crying and desperately seeking Jesus. We held her and loved her. The Father poured out his love and blessings into her life. Hallelujah!

Afterward, I went inside to join the bible study to participate in prayer. Once again, the Holy Spirit was busy at work. We prayed for a man to be healed of alcoholism, suicidal tendencies, depression and a heart condition. We finished with some great discussions, encouraging one another and building each other up in the Lord.

I went home, once again, soaring as with the eagles, praising God in my heart!

What an amazing God we serve!

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Part 3 - Psalm 24 Days!

Now I wanted to report how God worked last Sunday, June 19th. On Friday, I had lunch with a couple of women, ministry related. The one woman's husband was terminally ill with cancer, and both of them not born again. I stressed the importance of salvation, particularly with regard to her husband's situation. I had been asked to minister to this couple back in April, however it was not the Lord's timing YET to do so. This man had been raised in an environment where he was consistently preached at by his mother and it turned him off of God. I asked if I could come in and pray for his healing. They said they would have to ask him, and that the condition was to not come in and try to make him born again. I found out Saturday evening that the man agreed for me to come to his home and lay hands on him Sunday afternoon for his healing. Praise the Lord!

On Sunday morning I drove to church to the normal intercessors prayer gathering, but no one was there. I had forgotten the information at home to go to this home after church for ministry, so I drove back home. On the way back, I felt the Lord motion for me to go to a different church. So, I did. I went to a spirit-filled charismatic, dancing and praising congregation. At the end of the service I went up to one of the Pastors and asked for prayer and guidance with regard to this man's prayer for a healing from the Lord. I asked him to agree with me in prayer for this man's healing and asked for a special anointing, etc. He then said that the Holy Spirit has given me this assignment to go forth and pray for this man. So he said to look at this as an assignment from God and go in obedience no matter what I might feel, think, etc.

So I drove to this person's house. When I arrived, this person's family was present. One relative that is born again, joined me to lay hands on and agree in prayer, with accordance to Matthew 18:19 which states,

"Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven."

On the way to this person's home, the Lord led me to John 14 and I also decided to read from John 5. I sat down in front of this man and explained what I was about to do. I told him that through the power of the Holy Spirit healing occurs, not through me. I told him that I was going to read from scripture and stand on the word of God. I explained to him I would not preach to him, that I was praying for him to know the Lord, but today was prayer for healing. I gave him some testimonies of the healing power of God and how much the Lord has done in my life.

I held his hand and prayed. I prayed for a full complete healing of the cancer in the name of Jesus Christ. We stood on Matthew 18:19, I read from John 5 (the same scripture I preached on on Monday night), then I read from John 14. I explained the beginning of this chapter, that it is a message of slavation, I read from verses 9 to 14.

9Jesus answered: "Don't you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, 'Show us the Father'? 10Don't you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you are not just my own. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. 11Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves. 12I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. 13And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. 14You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

I ended the prayer session thanking Jesus and giving God all the glory and honour. The family took the process very well, some tears. I said, "you have been healed in Jesus Name!" I mentioned to his wife to work slowly at building up his strength again. They all said they would contact me again in the near future, once he was able to eat more. While all of this was happening, this man picked up the phone and called his mother over in England. He said 'Hi Mom, I have a young lady here that has something to tell you about what has happened.' He handed the phone to me. I said to his Mom, "Hi Mam, I just wanted to let you know that your son has been healed by the Holy Spirit. We agreed together in prayer, layed hands on him and stood on the scriptures." She said, "Thank you so much." I said, "No, don't thank me, thank the Lord, praise him...He did all the work. I am just the vessel." She replied with, "Praise the Lord and thank you for being there for my family, for listening to God." The man and his mother continued a conversation for awhile. After a coffee, some encouragement and warm hugs, I said goodbye.

After this, I drove quite a distance to go to our first church service for the homeless outside one of the shelters. We call it 'Street Church'. We believe the Lord is going to do many things through the start of this church. It is outdoors, rain or shine, with preaching and worship, prayer and baptisms. It was incredible!!! Seven people gave their hearts to the Lord. Five of those seven made decisons to be baptized in the river. We walked down to the flooded river where it had come up over the walkway. We were very careful and had rope in case. These five gave their testimonies of their faith, confessing publicly that Jesus is Lord. Then they were baptized in the very dirty flooded river. Afterward those same five came for prayer for baptism of the Holy Spirit, kneeling in reverance with wet knees to the ground. It was soooo beautiful!

This ministry is the same one affiliated with Monday Night Evangelism. It is a ministry that God is blessing, is producing fruit and may even become the start of revival here in Calgary. I am blessed to be involved, to be used by God and to be here. Words cannot express the excitement I feel in my heart and spirit.

I will write about the rest very soon!!! Praise the Lord!!!

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Part 2 - Psalm 24 Days!

I have so much to write about over the last ten days or so. I will split it up into segments. I will start off by praising and glorifying God! He is soooo awesome! My faith has deepened and my spirit is alive in the Lord, in a different way than I have been in the past! I am excited, happy, blessed and more in love with Him! Hallelujah!!!

On Monday June 13th, I went to Monday Night Evangelism for the second time. I had met one of the guys that helped to start this ministry a couple of years ago in the afternoon. We were discussing the call of God on our lives, testimonies, etc. He told me that he was going to be preaching that night, however God only gave him half a message. Later in the conversation, he said he felt the Holy Spirit encouraging him to ask me to preach that night. Even a little testimony would be good. We could both speak. I said sure, I could think of something. We then walked down the hall and let the man who organizes the speakers know what had been suggested and decided. This guy walked up to the organizer and said, "Karen is preaching tonight." He said OK. So it was settled. Then I had my nervous jitters and realized I only had 3 hours until I had to speak. The Lord had given me a message, actually an entire sermon within five minutes, so I prayed as I frantically drove through heavy traffic. I had to pick up a gal from church. I ate supper in the car after arriving at home. I only consulted my bible about five to ten minutes before preaching.

So, the first speaker went up and spoke for five to ten minutes. Then I followed in pursuit. I want you to visualize the scene. We are all outside a salvation army, in a parking lot. There is a truck with a great big Jesus Sign on it professing Jesus as 'King of Kings' and 'Lord of Lords' with a website and phone number. There is a boom box and a microphone. I got up on the flat bed of a truck and preached the gospel of Jesus Christ! Many years ago, I would never have thought of me doing this for the Lord. I could speak for my profession, but for Jesus? It was incredible.

I gave a testimony on the healing power of God. I preached from John 5:1-15 ( you can read this by cutting and pasting this into your web browser:;&version=50 OR perhaps click on the link). I preached that God is a God of healing and that the Holy Spirit does the healing, not us Christians. We are the chosen vessels. We pray in faith, believe in the word of God, and stand on the scriptures for the healing. I talked about the Holy Spirit, the love of God and how He wants relationship with all of us. I let them know that whether or not they were looking at me, the ground, not listening, it did not matter...the Holy Spirit was working on their hearts and that He loved everyone of them. I then prayed for people to come forward for prayer for healing and salvation.

Some of us prayed for people and others served pizza and juice to those who waited in the crowd. I prayed and talked with one man at length, then was asked to go on the other side of the truck and pray for a woman. Many gathered around her, layed hands on her and prayed alongside of one another. Her prayer request was for a healing of lung cancer. As soon as I placed my hands upon her body, I could feel the Holy Spirit come in power. As I prayed for her healing, I could feel a Holy Heat rushing from my hands into the small of her back. I declared her healing according to the word of God, and praised the Lord for healing her of this disease! I asked her after the prayer if she could feel the heat in my hands and she said yes, that it was still burning in her back. Praise the Lord!!!

Afterwards, I wanted to go inside. They were just finishing the bible study and about to start prayer. I walked into a group of people, of which there was alot of hurt and pain. There was one person swearing at another man, and just about to start a fight with him. She was also very angry at God. I will not go into the particular issues, as it was very personal. I told her she needed to forgive God, forgive her enemies and pray. Well, she did not want to hear that. She stared me down, in a very challenging manner and swore at me too! I told her that God loved her, I loved her and so did all of us here. She told me I was full of it, and walked out, speaking more profanities as she left the room. I told the group that we needed to pray for her, that she had a hard time believing that we loved her, but we did. As we were about to pray, she walked back in the room, looked me straight in the eye and asked if I really loved her and why. She also wanted to know how it is I know that God loves her. I told her about Jesus, His love, His death and the Love he put in my heart. I spoke the word of God. I stared her down too and would not let my gaze leave her. Then we all prayed as a group. There were tears and joy. The Holy Spirit was at work, brilliantly and lovingly making all things work for His good.

The girl I came with and I finally decided to leave after all prayer was done. We were praising God for so much! We went outside and just as we were about to leave, we saw a fight break out. It was terrible. The one guy had the other guy on the ground after wrestling and punching him in the head. Then he proceeded to kick him repetitively in the head. My friend and I were horrified. We raised our hands toward them and started prayer with fervour and passion. We prayed for the fight to stop, for the Holy Spirit to come between them and split them up and have them walk in opposite directions and go home. It was miraculous! When we prayed that prayer, they split apart and went in opposite directions very quickly. We started to praise God again over and over, amazed at answered prayer, basking in His love. Then, within moments, the woman that we prayed for before, came and knocked on my car window to thank me for praying for her and helping her. I got out of the car and gave her a great big hug. We talked for a bit, then went with some other Christians for donuts and coffee to discuss all of the wonderful things God was doing in our lives and through this ministry.

Praise the Lord!!! I will try to write more segments very soon. The Lord is doing so much right now, it is hard to find the time to write about it. I am sooo excited and on fire for Him. I cannot wait until the next opportunity comes my way , in order to show Jesus to others and glorify our Lord!!! Hallelujah!

Monday, June 20, 2005

Update on Flooding

First of all I would like to thank and Praise God during this time. Secondly, thank everyone of you for your prayers.

I prayed for the Lord's help and He came through. The basement did start to flood from the rain. However, the water never moved past the towels I left on the floor. They were completely saturated, but no water moved beyond the towels. This was Friday evening I first noticed the water. Saturday we were pummeled with rain, fast and furious. The reports were over 100mm over night, not including all of the rain we had on Saturday. I believe this is just one of the many miracles of God.

Today the landlord brought a plumber over to make sure the reason for the water. After ruling out all possibilities, it was decided for the first time ever this house let in water from the rain. I checked out my couch today. The bottom of the couch where the water level rose up, caused minor wetness and a tiny spot of water elsewhere, no more than five inches in diameter. I let it dry out today, airing it out in the sunshine. I tried to move it into the apartment, but it just would not fit. So now, I will find a home for the couch. This poor couch has had more travel and stories than alot of people I know...LOL

As for the rest of Calgary 2,000 people were evacuated from their homes this weekend, some only returning today. We are in a state of emergency due to the dirty water from all the rain and flooding. We are on a strict consumption of water. The next 24 hours will be crucial. If Calgarians do not watch their water usage, we may lose our ability to use it for awhile (extreme measures). Residential homes will be the last to be affected by that course of action. There is plenty of water, the water treatment plant cannot provide enough clean water necessary for the current demand for consumption.

Well, off to Monday Night Evangelism. I have so much to write about what the Lord has been doing this past week. I have not had much time with ministry and work, plus the phone lines were affected, just fixed today. So, I did not have internet access.

Stay in touch for more stories....

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Prayer Request - Flooding

Well, it looks like we are in another rainy period here in Alberta. Last night I could not sleep all night. I had a dream that Calgary was about to receive another 256mm of rain. I think that was the number. That would be alot moe rain than we had during some of the more serious flooding. At work today I asked the girls if they had heard such a number in the forecast. ( That is how real the dream was) They all said no. Last night I heard we are supposed to receive showers on and off over the weekend. It rained last night, but not too much. Today however we have had a combination of downpours and steady rain.

At work tonight we started to get a flood in through the back door. We did not leave until late, having to mop up and leave towels and cushions to mop up the water over night. It enters in right where the electrical panels are. Please pray for no damage and for the employee's safety.

So, I came home, of course tired and having to be at work in 8.5 hours from now. My yard is soggy, I got a foot soaker through my running shoes. I am concerned that the couch will get damaged. I am praying and trusting in the Lord that it will be OK. So far, the last flooding we had here in the city and Southern Alberta, the couch was very dry and undamaged. Praise God! However, today, there is more water here in this end of town. Just five days ago, further south there was serious flooding after the other flooding around.

So, I come inside. Inside the laundry room there is flooding. I moved some of my belongings to one side for now. I mopped and used towels to get some of the water. I left towels for overnight. The landlord is coming in the morning. Please pray for my couch outside and all of my belongings inside. I do not have contents insurance as I cannot afford to do so. Plus, some insurance policies do not cover flood damage. The government here was kind enough to give relief to those flood victims that were denied assistance from their insurance companies.

So, all is in the Lord's hands. I trust in Him, no matter what happens. I feel peace and will press into Him as I monitor the situation. Thank you for joining me in my prayers. God Bless.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Part 1 - Psalm 24 Days!

On Sunday June 5th, the Holy Spirit lead me to read over Psalm 24 several times, etching the scripture deep within my soul. What a profound scripture, yet I knew I needed more intimate time with the Lord and to look up at Him in every situation.

I went to church Sunday morning with a heavy heart. I had been rejected by my peers for revealing some of the things I have learned about, in and through the Holy Spirit. I was very sad when I drove home after Friday night bible study. Then the Holy Spirit reminded me of a time a couple of years ago. I had talked about the very same thing with a man that was on fire for God, but had no understanding of the spirtual realm. I experienced rejection there as well. Perhaps a year and a half after the fact, I met him at a prayer vigil. He was pumped up, his eyes had been opened to the truth. He apologized for rejecting what I had to say, but had to go through the Holy Spirit's leading the hard way. I only planted the seed. The Lord took him through the process, to bloom a beautiful flower of truth and knowledge in the Spirit.

On Sunday morning, I went to pre-service intercession. There are a couple of ladies, just overflowing with the Spirit and completely on fire for God. Perhaps this is what keeps me at this church for now. As we were praying, interceding and worshipping the Lord, three of us entered into a wonderful intermingling of the Holy Spirit. I had kept receiving a visionof gates. At the gates the Lord was ushering people in, to come in those gates. To be with Him, come meet with Him in the Holy place. This happened a few times during prayer, then as I recieved the vision again and heard the words in the spirit to enter in/come on in, one of the ladies passionately yelled out, "ENTER IN!" My goodness, I slapped my hand on the table and started praising the Lord...she and I started giggling in the spirit and praising God. The third lady was receiving Psalm 24 at this time and started to burst forth the glorious words from the scriptures. "Lift up your heads, oh you ancient gates! Come to see the Lord of Glory!" Wow...we cried, laughed, praised God and marvelled at how he used us three as intricate pieces of a puzzle, coming so perfectly together in the Spirit.

After this, I decided to go and sit amongst those that rejected me a couple of nights before. I did it in the right spirit, with great love in my heart and wanting to do what God wanted, not what my flesh desired. It turned out be be okay. Although they may not agree with my views, it appears they are not rejecting me altogether.

There are so many lessons to be gained from this experience:

  • During the tough times of your journey, always keep your eyes focused on God. Satan and his army will attempt to pull you into despair, unforgiveness, bitterness, depression, etc. . Anything opposite to the fruit of the spirit to pull you away from God, to prevent you from looking up to Him.
  • I have learned from experience that when you go forth with a word from God, perhaps a revelation He has given you, often it will be rejected. Not always. During these times, trust in Him. He will not leave you nor forsake you. If you are putting forth His truth and it is not of your flesh, it is of the Holy Spirit, the Lord will come through for you. As Christians we are taught to test all spirits, so let them test what you have to say. The Holy Spirit is one of truth, He is the only one who can open up eyes and ears to see, hear and experience all He has to offer. Pray for those that persecute you and reject you.

I am certain there are many more things I can write from this experience. In fact, I am sure I had a list of five things in my head. The most important thing for me was to know that the Lord is always with me and comes through for me, for we are Victorious in Christ!!! Hallelujah!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Lift Up Your Heads

Psalm 24
Of David. A psalm.

1 The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it,
the world, and all who live in it;

2 for he founded it upon the seas
and established it upon the waters.

3 Who may ascend the hill of the LORD ?
Who may stand in his holy place?

4 He who has clean hands and a pure heart,
who does not lift up his soul to an idol
or swear by what is false.

5 He will receive blessing from the LORD
and vindication from God his Savior.

6 Such is the generation of those who seek him,
who seek your face, O God of Jacob.

7 Lift up your heads, O you gates;
be lifted up, you ancient doors,
that the King of glory may come in.

8 Who is this King of glory?
The LORD strong and mighty,
the LORD mighty in battle.

9 Lift up your heads, O you gates;
lift them up, you ancient doors,
that the King of glory may come in.

10 Who is he, this King of glory?
The LORD Almighty—
he is the King of glory.

The Lord led me to this psalm on Sunday evening. The Lord had me read it several times. The more I read it, the more I hear the Holy Spirit speak to me.

In the first 2 verses, God is shown to be our absolute authority. He made this earth and everything in it. Read that verse many times and it will appear more profound each time. We all know He is the Creator, but the more I read these verses I felt a deeper reverence for the Sovereignty of our Lord.

Verses 3 to 6 touched me very deeply. To stand in the Holy Place of the Lord, one must have clean hands and a pure heart, not swear by what is false and not lift up our soul to an idol. What great blessing such a person will receive. David then says, such is the generation of those that seek Him.

Lord, I want to be of such a generation. I want to be able to stand in your Holy Place, to experience your awesome splendour and glory!

Verses 7 to 10 are very interesting. Not only is the King of Glory more clearly defined, but I feel even a greater reverance for Him, the more I continue to read. He is strong, mighty in battle, He is the Lord Almighty, the King of Glory. Hallelujah! I looked at some commentaries to try and grasp the 'lift upyour heads you ancient gates'. Barnes says this is when they are coming into the city of Jeruslaem, carrying the ark of the covenant.

I feel the Holy Spirit placing something deep within as I read this, something for the generation then, now and the generations to come. Oh, lift up your heads you ancient gates! That is us, you and me. Get out of our complacency and set our faces before Jesus! Lift up our faces before the Lord so that the King of Glory may come in. The Lord is seeking such a generation.

I leave this verse with you to meditate upon. I pray the Holy Spirit will speak to you in the way He has spoken to me this evening. Praise His Holy Name!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Pray for Alberta

Currently many parts of Southern Alberta have been declared a state of emergency. Some communities have had a mandatory evacuation. Due to increasing levels of rainfall, rivers are rising and overflowing. Ten years ago Alberta experienced severe flooding, mostly in the Southern part.

Now, in Calgary, the rivers are rising. The Elbow River is threatening and rising on the banks, creeping into yards. Outside of Calgary, one community in the west of Bragg Creek has had a suggested evacuation as well, as their only bridge is threatening to be washed out. Pincher Creek has flooded over, and Sheep River is threatening some communities West of Calgary.

Please pray for safety for all adults and children in these areas. Please pray for minimal or no damage to their homes/belongings. The rain might let up a little by tomorrow, but areas will still be on watch until the water starts to dry up. Calgary has not delcared a state of emergency, but is in the process of preparing for one.

On my end here, The Lord has been good. A friend helped me bring in my loveseat from outside and it was fine. Praise the Lord! I now have furniture! We moved it in the rain and it got wet, but dried out with no problems or damage. My couch is outside on the lawn wrapped in plastic, as it will not fit in my apartment. It appears to still be dry, even with all of this rain. I asked the Lord to keep it dry and praise the Lord he has! Even our first bout of rain a couple of weeks ago, I was driving home and it started to pour. I prayed, Lord please save the furniture. When I arrived, the wind blew the plastic off, it had rained, but the furniture was completely dry. The plastic was wet, and a puddle to boot. I praised God aloud right there and thanked Him. Now, I am hoping to bless our church's new youth pastor with a couch. I will not find out until Sunday if he can take it. Please pray to keep it safe so it can bless someone, hopefully this new Pastor that is moving to our city from the US.

On a final note, some may think that the big things we see God do are miracles. I believe the little things are miracles too. God keeping my furniture dry under such circumstances is a demonstration of His magnificent power and He does deserve the glory!!!

Babe in the Woods

Today I made a decision to go to and be involved in a new ministry. I am in a new city, now since December 18th, and need to meet people who have a passion for God. A Christian I met recently asked about the call of God on my life and I told him the Lord gave me a vision back in the winter of 2002. He wanted to know what it was, so I told him. I explained how the Lord brought me to this point of my life and had me move across country for Him. He was very enthusiastic and said that I had to come out to his ministry group.

I will tell you what this ministry is and its set-up. It is an evangelistic ministry that primarily preaches out doors, mostly to those of lower income or homeless individuals. A couple of these places are outside of shelters and drop-in centres. It is street evangelism, John Wesley style. It is a little out of my comfort zone in some respects, in other respects, it is right up my alley. I will explain this last point. I confess, I am not the most comfortable walking and doing street or door to door evangelism. I like to be led by the Holy Spirit to those I do 'blunt, in your face' evangelism to. What I love about this ministry is praying for others, seeing souls saved and people healed/delivered by the Holy Spirit.

I was very excited to go this evening. Last week, I think they said eight people were known to give their lives to Christ, many had hands on prayer, one person was delivered of demons, and another still struggling with demonization. Our prayer was for the demon-possessed man to come back tonight. As far as I know, no one saw the man, but I believe he will be saved and delivered. I did not know where I would be used this evening. It has been raining heavy in Alberta, so they brought the ministry in doors this evening, the other groups went out in the rain to preach. I was one of the groups that stayed indoors at the Salvation Army.

As we went outside to recruit people to come hear the wordof God, have pizza, bible study, etcetera, I approached 3 people huddled together smoking to invite them in and struck up a conversation with them. I saw many others further away in amongst some of the trees, and thought I could go over and invite them too. They said, "No, Karen..they are all over there doing crack. It is not safe for you to go over there alone." Then the one guy said to me, "I see we have ourselves here a babe in the woods." I kind-of defensively said "No, not really a babe in the woods. If you knew my testimony, you would be surprised. I may only look innocent and that is due to the Lord doing all the work in me. I am just not comfortable or know the area. It is my first time down here you know." Afterward, as I walked inside I thought I may as well have eaten my foot whole. Goodness! What a bunch of babble! I really am a babe in the woods in some ways. I am learning more about crack since becoming involved in street ministry, but this area is new to me in so many ways. I have been exposed to all kinds of alcohol and drugs over the years. I worked at a homeless shelter for teens, confiscating drugs and weapons. But the street ministry,seeing it first hand...I am a babe in the woods.

Tonight we shared the gospel, gave away some bibles, had an opportunity to pray for some folks. I drove one gal to a shelter. Talked with some other folks. All in all it was a good night, one filled with personal lessons and growth. Tonight I feel God handpicked just for me ( I apologize if that sounds selfish, as there are so many helped through this ministry). I feel after I heard the Lord speak to me this morning, and electrify me this evening, this is the beginning of many beautiful paths.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

The Self Pity Rollercoaster

Today will not be one of those positive posts I like to write all the time. Lately I have written about feeling joy, peace, etcetera. This is true. The Lord has blessed me abundantly in so many areas. However, occassionally I seem to get on a rollercoaster of self pity. I would like to destroy this rollercoaster, blow it up, erase it from my existence. I hope to one day be like Paul and to be content in every circumstance.

Living in a new city I feel lonely. All the people I started to get to know are now no longer involved in my life due to the relationship break up I went through five weeks ago. All except for a couple of people have remained in contact with me. I went to a friend's wedding last weekend and my ex-boyfriend was there as well. We had originally been invited as a couple, then circumstances changed. I was still invited to the wedding as I have become friends with the couple. These two have remained in my life and have been like angels sent from the Lord. They have been such a blessing. The wedding was very difficult to attend. My ex and some of his friends completely ignored me and were very rude. I cannot understand why Christian men would act in such a manner. We are all to be brothers and sisters in the Lord. In my hurt and pain, I gave it to the Lord. I cannot carry this burden any longer. I need to heal from all the bad things that have been said and have occurred.

Moreover, I had to find a new church. Any of the contacts I started to establish at this old church have fallen to the wayside, due to the fact that my ex is there. Some of the folks I had been developing close relationships with have not called to say hello or to say anything with regard to the breakup. These are family in the Lord. I do not understand how or why Christians act this way. We are to be an example to the world, not be exactly like the secular world around us.

In this new church, I felt excited at first. It is a well-balanced congregation. It is sound doctrinely, has upbeat worship, mixes a charismatic flair with tradition. I still don't know if it is for me. I like the charismatic churches, as I love having the Holy Spirit working in full power, not squashed or limited due to fear. I tried a couple of more charismatic churches, but they do not seem balanced enough for my liking. I might occassionally this summer try different churches to see if something fits more what I am seeking. However, I will plant some roots at this congregation for now. The intercessory group is on fire for God, but I am not seeing this in a good portion of people that attend there. I am so desiring friendships with people that are on fire for God, understand the gifts of the Holy Spirit and move in them. Like I said in a past post, perhaps the Lord wants me to be an example to others. It feels strange worshipping God next to others that are not exuberant about their praise, yet I put my hands up in the air and like to dance a little jig. So, I will remain different to some around me, but I am focusing on the Lord. What they think should not matter.

I received my first assistance last weekend. I had tried to get hold of the food bank, but they have limited hours. Plus, I had been struggling with the shame and other ungodly emotions I was struggling with realizing I had to go through an application process. The church I am attending has a food bank, so one of the younger gals asked on my behalf if I could have some assistance. So, I ignored any stares I may have receievd, with thanksgiving in my heart, carried the bags of groceries to my car after the church service. Last night I used my grocery coupon. I planned my grocery list, to combine meals from food at home to leftovers my friend's gave me when they went on their honeymoon. I actually added up every item, being careful to not overspend on anything.

So now, on to my work issues. I have recieved a second job, praise the Lord, but I cannot start until I receive medical insurance and registration to cover me while I work. Can you imagine they received my application over a week ago and I still have not received my number? I called every day this week. It has been frustrating. I could be making some extra money to cover expenses. I have let the registration office know my financial situation, but it has not made a difference. Same with my other job. I have let them know for weeks how I need extra hours, but once again, I receive only 10-15 hours per week. It was not until I mentioned that I recieved a second job, that they posted the schedule weeks in advance and gave me more hours. Crazy, huh?

Now, I am in a quandery. My job in the north is 25-30 minutes to drive, my other job is 15-20 minutes. My school is only about a 10 minute drive maximum. My church is about 15 minutes to drive, further south. I just moved here to this apartment a couple of weeks ago. I don't want to move again. However, my apartment is so tiny that my furniture is out on the lawn. I am going to see if I can receive help to move my love seat inside which will require 3 doors coming off and yet there is no guarantee that I can get it inside. The couch will have to find a home. If I decide to find a cheaper apartment in the north, my church will be too long a drive, school will take longer, but not a big deal. I have decided to remain in the south for now, make a home of it and keep my eyes open. Not too far away from where I live there is a gorgeous park, with trails and a fabulous view!

So, as writing this post is to get my feelings out, I have been feeling sorry for myself and am trying very hard to remain in a cycle of joy. Since I left Ontario almost a year ago and moved across the country, I have had to face alot of trials and adversities. In December, I was tempted to walk away from it all. I thought, if it is this hard now, what will it be like in full time ministry? Even though I was in that space of wanting to tell God that I wanted to hang up my robe and walk away, I could not do so. I want so much to make a difference in this world, to bring God much glory and to see thousands of souls saved. So, here I am having a pity party and riding a roller coaster I do not want to be on. I even prayed and asked the Lord if I could return home, but that is not God's will to do so. So, I remain...lonely, grieving, crying and pushing through to focus on God during these tough times.

Before I left Ontario to pursue the call of God on my life, my Pastor told me that it is not an easy walk to do so. I had suffered a terrible situation dating a so-called Christian man, that ended terribly and the guy renounced Jesus Christ. My Pastor said it was one way God was trying to prepare me for dealing with bad scenarios that will come as a result of pursuing the call. This past year has helped me understand what he was trying to communicate. Walking in God brings persecution from all angles. Paul taught us that we are to rejoice through such times. I have had time to reflect on this. I think Paul, like the rest of us, had to go through the muck and the swamp of life in order to obtain and keep an attitude of thanksgiving and contentedness. There were 10 hidden years that the Lord worked on Paul. In this time, I am convinced the Lord put him through a baptism of fire over and over again until Paul was ready to do the work of the Lord.

I have cried to the Lord many times, change me and transform me to your likeness. Make me more like you and less of me. I know He is taking me through the process and getting me ready for ministry. To be a leader of God's people, we must be more like Him. To live,breathe and eat the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Lord, although I confess my sin of grumbling before you, I love you more than life itself. I want to do great things in your name. So, once again, I thank you for the trials and tribulations of life. I look forward to the time when, like Paul, I can say " I have learned to be content in whatever state I am." (Phil.4:11, NKJV)