In The Presence of the Almighty

I started this journal to express the many ways my life has been touched since I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord. I hope to share joys, struggles, testimonies and anything I might receive from the Lord. My prayer is that anyone who reads my entries may receive in a way that is necessary for where they are at in life. May the power of the Holy Spirit fill you as you come along my journey.

Name:
Location: Ontario, Canada

I am a full time wife and stay at home Mom. I am married to a man who places the Lord first above all else. I am embracing this season in my life to be a Mom and look forward to having more children. My husband and I will raise them in the ways of the Lord.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

The Self Pity Rollercoaster

Today will not be one of those positive posts I like to write all the time. Lately I have written about feeling joy, peace, etcetera. This is true. The Lord has blessed me abundantly in so many areas. However, occassionally I seem to get on a rollercoaster of self pity. I would like to destroy this rollercoaster, blow it up, erase it from my existence. I hope to one day be like Paul and to be content in every circumstance.

Living in a new city I feel lonely. All the people I started to get to know are now no longer involved in my life due to the relationship break up I went through five weeks ago. All except for a couple of people have remained in contact with me. I went to a friend's wedding last weekend and my ex-boyfriend was there as well. We had originally been invited as a couple, then circumstances changed. I was still invited to the wedding as I have become friends with the couple. These two have remained in my life and have been like angels sent from the Lord. They have been such a blessing. The wedding was very difficult to attend. My ex and some of his friends completely ignored me and were very rude. I cannot understand why Christian men would act in such a manner. We are all to be brothers and sisters in the Lord. In my hurt and pain, I gave it to the Lord. I cannot carry this burden any longer. I need to heal from all the bad things that have been said and have occurred.

Moreover, I had to find a new church. Any of the contacts I started to establish at this old church have fallen to the wayside, due to the fact that my ex is there. Some of the folks I had been developing close relationships with have not called to say hello or to say anything with regard to the breakup. These are family in the Lord. I do not understand how or why Christians act this way. We are to be an example to the world, not be exactly like the secular world around us.

In this new church, I felt excited at first. It is a well-balanced congregation. It is sound doctrinely, has upbeat worship, mixes a charismatic flair with tradition. I still don't know if it is for me. I like the charismatic churches, as I love having the Holy Spirit working in full power, not squashed or limited due to fear. I tried a couple of more charismatic churches, but they do not seem balanced enough for my liking. I might occassionally this summer try different churches to see if something fits more what I am seeking. However, I will plant some roots at this congregation for now. The intercessory group is on fire for God, but I am not seeing this in a good portion of people that attend there. I am so desiring friendships with people that are on fire for God, understand the gifts of the Holy Spirit and move in them. Like I said in a past post, perhaps the Lord wants me to be an example to others. It feels strange worshipping God next to others that are not exuberant about their praise, yet I put my hands up in the air and like to dance a little jig. So, I will remain different to some around me, but I am focusing on the Lord. What they think should not matter.

I received my first assistance last weekend. I had tried to get hold of the food bank, but they have limited hours. Plus, I had been struggling with the shame and other ungodly emotions I was struggling with realizing I had to go through an application process. The church I am attending has a food bank, so one of the younger gals asked on my behalf if I could have some assistance. So, I ignored any stares I may have receievd, with thanksgiving in my heart, carried the bags of groceries to my car after the church service. Last night I used my grocery coupon. I planned my grocery list, to combine meals from food at home to leftovers my friend's gave me when they went on their honeymoon. I actually added up every item, being careful to not overspend on anything.

So now, on to my work issues. I have recieved a second job, praise the Lord, but I cannot start until I receive medical insurance and registration to cover me while I work. Can you imagine they received my application over a week ago and I still have not received my number? I called every day this week. It has been frustrating. I could be making some extra money to cover expenses. I have let the registration office know my financial situation, but it has not made a difference. Same with my other job. I have let them know for weeks how I need extra hours, but once again, I receive only 10-15 hours per week. It was not until I mentioned that I recieved a second job, that they posted the schedule weeks in advance and gave me more hours. Crazy, huh?

Now, I am in a quandery. My job in the north is 25-30 minutes to drive, my other job is 15-20 minutes. My school is only about a 10 minute drive maximum. My church is about 15 minutes to drive, further south. I just moved here to this apartment a couple of weeks ago. I don't want to move again. However, my apartment is so tiny that my furniture is out on the lawn. I am going to see if I can receive help to move my love seat inside which will require 3 doors coming off and yet there is no guarantee that I can get it inside. The couch will have to find a home. If I decide to find a cheaper apartment in the north, my church will be too long a drive, school will take longer, but not a big deal. I have decided to remain in the south for now, make a home of it and keep my eyes open. Not too far away from where I live there is a gorgeous park, with trails and a fabulous view!

So, as writing this post is to get my feelings out, I have been feeling sorry for myself and am trying very hard to remain in a cycle of joy. Since I left Ontario almost a year ago and moved across the country, I have had to face alot of trials and adversities. In December, I was tempted to walk away from it all. I thought, if it is this hard now, what will it be like in full time ministry? Even though I was in that space of wanting to tell God that I wanted to hang up my robe and walk away, I could not do so. I want so much to make a difference in this world, to bring God much glory and to see thousands of souls saved. So, here I am having a pity party and riding a roller coaster I do not want to be on. I even prayed and asked the Lord if I could return home, but that is not God's will to do so. So, I remain...lonely, grieving, crying and pushing through to focus on God during these tough times.

Before I left Ontario to pursue the call of God on my life, my Pastor told me that it is not an easy walk to do so. I had suffered a terrible situation dating a so-called Christian man, that ended terribly and the guy renounced Jesus Christ. My Pastor said it was one way God was trying to prepare me for dealing with bad scenarios that will come as a result of pursuing the call. This past year has helped me understand what he was trying to communicate. Walking in God brings persecution from all angles. Paul taught us that we are to rejoice through such times. I have had time to reflect on this. I think Paul, like the rest of us, had to go through the muck and the swamp of life in order to obtain and keep an attitude of thanksgiving and contentedness. There were 10 hidden years that the Lord worked on Paul. In this time, I am convinced the Lord put him through a baptism of fire over and over again until Paul was ready to do the work of the Lord.

I have cried to the Lord many times, change me and transform me to your likeness. Make me more like you and less of me. I know He is taking me through the process and getting me ready for ministry. To be a leader of God's people, we must be more like Him. To live,breathe and eat the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Lord, although I confess my sin of grumbling before you, I love you more than life itself. I want to do great things in your name. So, once again, I thank you for the trials and tribulations of life. I look forward to the time when, like Paul, I can say " I have learned to be content in whatever state I am." (Phil.4:11, NKJV)

7 Comments:

Blogger Cosmic said...

Hi Karen!

Though I have no idea what it's like to move somewhere entirely different, I do know what it's like to be in a place where I don't know anyone. It's lonely. For instance, at the reception at my church, I didn't know anybody there. So, I just sat there and thought about things. I watched other people. I'm kind of used to it by now. It takes me forever to open up to new people.

But anyway, we all end up on the self-pity rollercoaster. When things get rough for me, I like to think of Job.

And I just had a sense of deja vu.

But anyway, certain people come into our to lives for a reason. Your ex came into your life to teach you a lesson. I think that God puts us through many situations to make us stronger spiritually. Each one of my exes were the catalysts that led me closer to God. Strange but true.

And don't worry about finding the right church for you. God will lead there. It might not come as quick as you would like but it will happen.

And about your job - don't worry about that either! As long as you have food to eat and a roof over your head, you're doing excellent. God will pay your bills when there's no money. He'll feed you when there's no food. So don't even worry! Cheer up!

Jesus told his disciples when they were afraid of dying in the storm to be of good cheer! As long as you keep dancing, the devil can't grab your heels.

This is longer than I intended and I've probably already written things you already know. But cheer up! Everything's going to be fine. You're an awesome person and nothing but good things are eventually headed your way.

June 05, 2005 9:25 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Thank you Cosmic for your encouragement. Yes, these are things I already know. When you are burning through the fire, it can be hard to focus. However, I am pressing into joy. I like your comment about dancing. The Lord is teaching me many things at this time, including lessons from my past relationships. I realize more than ever these times are necessary for me to grow and for the Lord to use me in ministry. The Lord will continue to teach me to trust Him in all things, through my experiences until I learn to trust Him completely, with no worry attached. You are growing leaps and bounds Cosmic. God Bless You!

June 06, 2005 12:11 AM  
Blogger Jeannie said...

Hi Karen, I remember times when life was tough financially and my husband and I were pastoring a church and a family within the church was sick and I made them a meal with what was left in my cupboard. That night as we prayed over the last of our food I can remember thanking God for his provision - Jehovah Jireh our provider. The next day in the post was cash - enough to get us through another week till payday. Its those days when I had the faith to believe and trust him that hold me strong today - to believe for the small insignificant things makes me now more able to believe and have faith for the big things. There are lots of people in your circumstances but as you persevere, as you plough and sow, the opportunities will come the rewards will come. Don't try to make it happen but try to be content in all circumstances and you watch how God will work in you and how he will provide. I'm speaking this from someone who's been in your shoes many a time but with little hungry mouths to feed...focus your eyes on the Lord and not on the obstacles that face you...God is faithfull he will not let you down...

June 06, 2005 9:02 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

Jeannie,
Thank you for your sincerity and wisdom. After I wrote the post I listened to a very old tape of Joyce Meyer's a friend gave me before I moved across country. She spoke exactly all that I am feeling and going through. She said her financial hardship lasted 6 years until she came to the point of fully trusting God in all things. If we cannot trust God to provide in the little things in our life, how will we ever trust Him to provide for the financial means of a ministry? So, now I am soaking in Him and His word, seeking joy, peace, thanksgiving and TRUST. Bless you Jeannie!

June 06, 2005 1:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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June 06, 2005 2:52 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

For anyone reading my blog, please do not click on 'The Log Blog', unless of course you like to read on the wonders of defecation.(Notice the last comment). I decided not to delete this comment, although it is obviously anti-Christian. Instead, I rejoice in the light of any persecution against a child of God.

Lord, I pray for this person and come against this spirit of rebellion in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth! Lord, this individual must be seeking you or they would not try to draw such attention to themselves. Lord I pray for his/her salvation. Lord I pray that you would pour your love out on this person and bring individuals into his/her life that would teach them all about Jesus Christ. In your precious name I pray, AMEN.

June 06, 2005 4:54 PM  
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