The Self Pity Rollercoaster

Today will not be one of those positive posts I like to write all the time. Lately I have written about feeling joy, peace, etcetera. This is true. The Lord has blessed me abundantly in so many areas. However, occassionally I seem to get on a rollercoaster of self pity. I would like to destroy this rollercoaster, blow it up, erase it from my existence. I hope to one day be like Paul and to be content in every circumstance.

Living in a new city I feel lonely. All the people I started to get to know are now no longer involved in my life due to the relationship break up I went through five weeks ago. All except for a couple of people have remained in contact with me. I went to a friend's wedding last weekend and my ex-boyfriend was there as well. We had originally been invited as a couple, then circumstances changed. I was still invited to the wedding as I have become friends with the couple. These two have remained in my life and have been like angels sent from the Lord. They have been such a blessing. The wedding was very difficult to attend. My ex and some of his friends completely ignored me and were very rude. I cannot understand why Christian men would act in such a manner. We are all to be brothers and sisters in the Lord. In my hurt and pain, I gave it to the Lord. I cannot carry this burden any longer. I need to heal from all the bad things that have been said and have occurred.

Moreover, I had to find a new church. Any of the contacts I started to establish at this old church have fallen to the wayside, due to the fact that my ex is there. Some of the folks I had been developing close relationships with have not called to say hello or to say anything with regard to the breakup. These are family in the Lord. I do not understand how or why Christians act this way. We are to be an example to the world, not be exactly like the secular world around us.

In this new church, I felt excited at first. It is a well-balanced congregation. It is sound doctrinely, has upbeat worship, mixes a charismatic flair with tradition. I still don't know if it is for me. I like the charismatic churches, as I love having the Holy Spirit working in full power, not squashed or limited due to fear. I tried a couple of more charismatic churches, but they do not seem balanced enough for my liking. I might occassionally this summer try different churches to see if something fits more what I am seeking. However, I will plant some roots at this congregation for now. The intercessory group is on fire for God, but I am not seeing this in a good portion of people that attend there. I am so desiring friendships with people that are on fire for God, understand the gifts of the Holy Spirit and move in them. Like I said in a past post, perhaps the Lord wants me to be an example to others. It feels strange worshipping God next to others that are not exuberant about their praise, yet I put my hands up in the air and like to dance a little jig. So, I will remain different to some around me, but I am focusing on the Lord. What they think should not matter.

I received my first assistance last weekend. I had tried to get hold of the food bank, but they have limited hours. Plus, I had been struggling with the shame and other ungodly emotions I was struggling with realizing I had to go through an application process. The church I am attending has a food bank, so one of the younger gals asked on my behalf if I could have some assistance. So, I ignored any stares I may have receievd, with thanksgiving in my heart, carried the bags of groceries to my car after the church service. Last night I used my grocery coupon. I planned my grocery list, to combine meals from food at home to leftovers my friend's gave me when they went on their honeymoon. I actually added up every item, being careful to not overspend on anything.

So now, on to my work issues. I have recieved a second job, praise the Lord, but I cannot start until I receive medical insurance and registration to cover me while I work. Can you imagine they received my application over a week ago and I still have not received my number? I called every day this week. It has been frustrating. I could be making some extra money to cover expenses. I have let the registration office know my financial situation, but it has not made a difference. Same with my other job. I have let them know for weeks how I need extra hours, but once again, I receive only 10-15 hours per week. It was not until I mentioned that I recieved a second job, that they posted the schedule weeks in advance and gave me more hours. Crazy, huh?

Now, I am in a quandery. My job in the north is 25-30 minutes to drive, my other job is 15-20 minutes. My school is only about a 10 minute drive maximum. My church is about 15 minutes to drive, further south. I just moved here to this apartment a couple of weeks ago. I don't want to move again. However, my apartment is so tiny that my furniture is out on the lawn. I am going to see if I can receive help to move my love seat inside which will require 3 doors coming off and yet there is no guarantee that I can get it inside. The couch will have to find a home. If I decide to find a cheaper apartment in the north, my church will be too long a drive, school will take longer, but not a big deal. I have decided to remain in the south for now, make a home of it and keep my eyes open. Not too far away from where I live there is a gorgeous park, with trails and a fabulous view!

So, as writing this post is to get my feelings out, I have been feeling sorry for myself and am trying very hard to remain in a cycle of joy. Since I left Ontario almost a year ago and moved across the country, I have had to face alot of trials and adversities. In December, I was tempted to walk away from it all. I thought, if it is this hard now, what will it be like in full time ministry? Even though I was in that space of wanting to tell God that I wanted to hang up my robe and walk away, I could not do so. I want so much to make a difference in this world, to bring God much glory and to see thousands of souls saved. So, here I am having a pity party and riding a roller coaster I do not want to be on. I even prayed and asked the Lord if I could return home, but that is not God's will to do so. So, I remain...lonely, grieving, crying and pushing through to focus on God during these tough times.

Before I left Ontario to pursue the call of God on my life, my Pastor told me that it is not an easy walk to do so. I had suffered a terrible situation dating a so-called Christian man, that ended terribly and the guy renounced Jesus Christ. My Pastor said it was one way God was trying to prepare me for dealing with bad scenarios that will come as a result of pursuing the call. This past year has helped me understand what he was trying to communicate. Walking in God brings persecution from all angles. Paul taught us that we are to rejoice through such times. I have had time to reflect on this. I think Paul, like the rest of us, had to go through the muck and the swamp of life in order to obtain and keep an attitude of thanksgiving and contentedness. There were 10 hidden years that the Lord worked on Paul. In this time, I am convinced the Lord put him through a baptism of fire over and over again until Paul was ready to do the work of the Lord.

I have cried to the Lord many times, change me and transform me to your likeness. Make me more like you and less of me. I know He is taking me through the process and getting me ready for ministry. To be a leader of God's people, we must be more like Him. To live,breathe and eat the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Lord, although I confess my sin of grumbling before you, I love you more than life itself. I want to do great things in your name. So, once again, I thank you for the trials and tribulations of life. I look forward to the time when, like Paul, I can say " I have learned to be content in whatever state I am." (Phil.4:11, NKJV)